GreenSunflower

I Think It Is Finally Over

I got the results of my NCLEX exam and it is a pass.  I am now officially a nurse.  I think I can officially close out the nursing school category of my blog.  We are onto a new life of just plain nursing.

Almost Over

Today I took the NCLEX, otherwise known as the boards.  I got 75 questions on a computer adaptive test and that means either I really flunked it, or I really passed it.  Seeing as I am a fairly good student with a well rounded knowledge of nursing, I am hoping for I really passed it. 

It was kind of stressful last night though.  I had decided to take my test on Thurs, so I rescheduled online.  I went through all the steps, but I must not have hit that final confirm button or something, or maybe there was a technical problem on their end, but it was NOT rescheduled.  I happened to look at my appointment last night just to make sure everything was as I had thought it was and lo and behold it was still scheduled for today.  Thank god for double checking.  Any nursing student will tell you that triple checking is one of the cornerstones to being a good nurse. 

I was a little freaked out last night, but took Kaplan's NCLEX readiness test and did well, so I figured I would be alright.

The test only took me 40mins.  I am an unusually quick test taker, so that doesn't scare me. 

Here's to hoping for that RN card to come in the mail soon!

Graduation Presents

So Babe got me a laptop for graduation.  I love the laptop, though I need to call Apple and get something figured out about the slow speed of the internet. 

Then the day before gradation, Babe looks all nervous and asks me if I want my graduation present the day before graduation.

I was caught a little off guard because I thought I got my graduation present.

Babe heads downstairs and comes up with a Williams-Sonoma bag.  I had specifically said no kitchen stuff for graduation and was wondering what the hell he was doing.

I look in the bag and that little green blue box was staring up at me.

This is what I found inside.

I think I am going to wear it as my wedding ring, I love it that much.

I made it!

Some Changes Over At Casa GreenSunflower

You may have noticed my blog looks a little different now. It reflects the fact that I am DONE yes D.O.N.E. with nursing school.  Looks like I will be passing my classes and now graduation sits on May 26th.

Here is some good news.

1. I am graduating with honors
2. I made it through nursing school
3. I got a job at the PICU of my choice

And you know what I did today?  Exactly what I pleased and didn't feel guilty about it or worried about what I should be doing. 

God this feels good.  It is like "welcome to the rest of your life."

Last Day Of Class

Today is my last day of nursing school classes.  I will go and sit through my usual 7 hours of class, then I will come home and you know what I will have to do?  Nothing, that is what.  I have finished all my assignments for the semester.  I just have to take one final a week from now and I will be finished.  I am going to be going to my preceptorship, and I have one clinical day left, where we will go out to lunch and that will be all.

Usually by this time in the semester I would be worrying about next semester. What will next semesters classes be like?  Will I be able to pass them?  Will I feel overwhelmed?  But those questions don't apply this semester.  This semester I am wondering what job I will have in a few weeks.  I am wondering what life will be like when I can come home from work and just be.

Will I lose weight because I have time to exercise?  Will I cook more for Babe, who so deserves it?  Will I spend more time with friends?  What will I do with all that money I am going to be making (that is pretty easy to answer). 

I cant believe I made it here.  All those semesters I was convinced I wouldn't pass, no way no how.  So convinced that I was never meant to be anything special.  Well now I am well on my road to being something special.  I am going to be a nurse.  Holy Shit.  I made it.  I am at the end. 

I just cant believe I am sitting here writing this.

UPDATE: Now I am sitting in class and we are watching presentations ALL.DAY.LONG.  Shoot me now.

I AM SO FUCKING TIRED

WHEN WILL IT ALL END.... OH YEAH... 19 DAYS!

School Sucks, My Dog Hates Me, But Really Everything IS Okay

So, I got my midterm review from my preceptor for my PICU preceptorship.  She said I am excellent in my nursing skills and communicating with families.  She did have some feedback for me too.  She said others have perceived me as cocky and that didn't make me look like a team player.  Our unit is all about teamwork and really if you aren't a team player, then they dont want you there.  She said my attitude has taken an apparent turn for the better in the last two weeks and she chalked it all up to being uncomfortable and my anxiety.  She also said someone heard me say something to a patient, that I plainly didn't say.  And I cant imagine that I forgot I said it, because the statement is not something I believe.  I have a feeling I know who "told on me."  It is someone who for some reason just kinda has it out for me.

I was crushed when I found out I wasn't perfect.  /big surprise/  I dont know why I hold myself to this standard. This standard where if I am not perfect the world will stop spinning and I will fall off into space, where a black hole will suck me into infinity.

I even called in sick to the PICU the next day.  I just could not face it and all the people there because I was convinced they all hated me and everything I say and do is wrong.

Well, I went yesterday.  Things in the PICU were stressful.  There were two imminent death patients, a brain death patient, and some patients who might not make it.  The number who were just passing through on their way to a better life, were few.  Everyone was stressed out, running around, and it was nuts.

This woman with whom I have an issue also called me out on something that another nurse asked me to do, telling me not to do it.  This was right before she made a huge, stupid, and lazy medication error.  And right after I saw her make two other errors in the last few weeks.  In other words, given what I have seen of her very safe nursing practices I dont think she has shit to tell me, especially when another more seasoned nurse has asked me to do it.  She is not my preceptor and I am not her student-slave.

The whole disagreement with her started when she wanted me to perform tasks for a patient, I had never performed before, while I was watching a bronchoscopy and my preceptor was on break.  I didn't feel comfortable doing the tasks on my own, and this nurse wasn't going to help me, and I was trying to get a valuable learning experience with the bronchoscopy.  The task she was asking me to do, was mundane, though new, and will come about many times.  The bronch would not.

When I told her I wasn't doing it, she yelled at me.  She was livid.  I immediately went and talked to my preceptor and she said to continue with my preferred learning experience and do not pay attention to this nurse.  I did so, but since then this nurse has given me nothing but grief. 

I know she is the one who said I was cocky and I know she is the one that said I told the patient an inappropriate thing (which I did not say).

This whole situation has gotten me so down in the last few weeks, that I came home yesterday and just cried.  I felt like the hospital I am at will never hire me and everyone hates me.

I since realize this is not the case and that I just need to keep facing it, get better, and become the kind of nurse I want to be.

On the dog front, I have taken her for shots twice and a grooming in the last week.  She hates me.  She runs from me and barks at me.  I do not spank her, we use positive discipline and yet this is the case.  I got a dog so something would love me unabated, and she hates me.  Oh lord.  I should have remembered that when you are feeling lonely and like cheating on your husband, you should look within yourself for contentment, not to a shih tzu.

But my mood is fine.  I am crying over things that are stressful, not things that aren't and are making me want to die.  I just need to get through this semester, get a job, finish my new grad program, get pregnant, have a baby, go per diem, and enjoy life.

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist next Thurs to talk about meds, babies, and pregnancy.

Overstimulation

So, I love PICU.  I really do.  Everyday that I am not there, I think about being there again. I am getting better about not feeling so hopeless, especially now that I have seen some kids who were really sick/injured, get better and even... DISCHARGED to a normal life.

But I like to complain, so this is it.  When I am in the PICU, there are alarms going off like mad.  There is something called ICU psychosis, and really if I had to spend 24 hours a day, for days on end listening to those alarms, I would go nuts too.

So when I get home, I just want peace and quiet.  To sit and decompress and recover from my day of blaring alarms,  in a nice gradual manner.

Babe likes techno music.  I hate techno as usual course.  But it is really amazing how much techno can sound like more blaring alarms. 

So I ask Babe to shut it off and not letting him play blaring pulsating ear drum shaking music at any volume he wants, makes him VERY annoyed. 

If the man played Billy Holiday, I wouldn't be upset, but really techno? Who can like that anyway?

You Know You Are A Nursing Student When...

You get a cramp in your leg and are sure.... SURE that is the beginning of a horrible neuromuscular disorder for which you eventually be downgraded to comfort care.