GreenSunflower

Down 8.5 Lbs

I started out this pregnancy at a generous 228lbs.  So when I found out at my last appointment that I had lost 8.5lbs in 2 weeks, I kind of smiled to myself because at least I haven't gained like 25lbs already, which is so something I would be capable of.  I didn't think it a problem, as it cant all be fluid, as I don't have that much fluid in my vascular and interstitial systems, and some it must be fat.  After all, that is what is supposed to happen right? The baby takes my fat, vitamins, minerals, and nutrients and makes itself grow.

Well I guess losing weight is a problem. Pregnant women are not supposed to lose weight.  I know I am a nurse, I am supposed to know these things right?  I am not a midwife.  I figure since I have so much reserve it doesn't matter.  Well apparently it does.  So much so that my doctor is worried I am in a state of ketosis, which I am sure is dangerous, I just don't know how. 

So now we are trying AGAIN, to get the home health nurse out here to dip my urine, give me fluids, and a continuous subcutaneous Zofran pump, in the hopes that I will eat more food.

I should have known that someone as high maintenance as myself, couldn't do pregnancy simply.

Lemonade

It is a really cruel world, where you crave lemonade, but the aftertaste makes you feel like you have just vomited.

I'm Back

After a much needed break, and a few emails stating how much I was missed, I am back.

During my time away, I wasn't really depressed, just making changes in life.

I am transferring to the emergency department where I work, and am really excited for a new change.

I am 8 days post ovulation and our baby dancing timing looks good, so it is possible I could be pregnant this month.

Babe and I are going to Hawaii in a short 24 days.

I am sure there will be more to say, but I just wanted to say I am here again.

The Month's Over As Far As Baby Making Is Concerned

So after three jaunts in the bedroom right around my fertile time, I have successfully ovulated and now we can stop having sex until my next fertile period.  If that comes.  And I have to say thank god.  My lower back is hurts, and Babe's shoulders are sore.  We are too decrepit to be having this much sex.

Insecurity

I am at the point with work, where I don't know if I am just insecure and miserable because of how sensitive it makes me, or if work really is that bad. 

Tuesday night was kind of a last straw for me.  My immediate supervisor called me into her office.  I knew it wasn't going to be positive because she never sees the need to tell someone they did something positive, only when they have done something negative and though, most negative things that happen in the unit are the result of a cumulative and multidisciplinary process, they need to blame someone, this time it was me.

A month and a half ago, I had a patient for an hour in my care.  He was stable while I had him, but busy.  I didn't chart very much because I had him for a very short period of time.  I was never trained that I had to do some specific type of charting so I didn't do that.  Well I gave a scattered report to the oncoming nurse because I had gotten little report on the patient myself and only had him an hour.  The patient happened to crump but not expire that night.

My supervisor brought all of this attention. As if my lack of charting was the reason a critically ill child had a rough night.  She made it very clear that she was looking to blame me.  I could identify many places where a lot of people could have maybe made a bad mistake or a judgment that in retrospect wasn't the best.  She told me she had not gotten back to me until a month and a half later because she had to investigate the situation so she could present it to me.

Why wasn't I part of the investigation if it is really done with the purpose of us all improving our care?  It wasn't, it was figuring out how to solidly blame me, without asking me any questions during a time when I would be able to remember enough to defend myself.

I came home ready to quit.  Ready to quit because my management doesn't support new nurses constructively and because I must be a horrible nurse because I took care of my patient instead of charting.

Then insecurity hits.  And I hate that my job makes me feel insecure rather than confident, because it seeps into other parts of my life.  It makes me feel like a failure, and when you think like a failure, you will fail and I hate that too, because if you do fail, you really do feel like a failure and it cascades from there.

The good news is I am fertile right now, and Babe and I have been having well timed sex. 

I have an appointment with a counselor to talk about the drama at work.

Uh-Oh

I just ate a bowl of ice cream... then half a jar of cornichons.

Um.... So

Right after I wrote that last post, Babe came downstairs to talk to me about how shitty I was feeling.  And in his true style he got me realizing that I had stopped taking one of my meds in order to have safer baby dancing/making.  I think my nausea and inability to function were due to anxiety and I hadn't had anxiety like that in so long, I forgot.

I took a big dose of At1van, went back on my Ge0don (which starts working quicker than an antidepressant) and while not perfect, I feel much better.  I slept for 12 hours last night and feel caught up on my sleep. 

As much as I am going to get judged, it looks like I will have to take the Ge0don while pregnant.  My doc has said that is OK, benefits much outweigh the risks, but it just kind of sucks.

As least I am feeling better.  Time to go sew.

Lonely

This will be a post that starts a fight between Babe and I should he read it.  Because anytime I post something about how our life is less than perfect, or he is a less than perfect husband, trouble starts.

I am sorry Babe , you are not perfect.  I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you making babies, taking trips, growing old, but right now the 80 hrs a week you are working is making me feel like  a single woman.

On Friday or Saturday i was bound to ovulate soon, so we "baby danced" since Sunday, I have felt incredibly ill.  I am nauseous, I have an unstoppable migraine, and am always on the verge of tears.  Every ounce of my nurse being knows there is no way in hell, I could be pregnant and feeling this shitty within days.  But if not the easy answer, then what gives?

Of course since I have been well a mere 4 weeks since my last love affair with my couch, Babe has little patience for how shitty I feel.  I don't even think he believes I am sick. Yesterday he talked me into going into work, even after I had called in sick, because obviously I was just faking it. 

Immediately upon arriving at work, everybody started to ask what was wrong with me, as I looked horrible.  I went home a short two hours later and slept and slept. I woke up and still felt like shit.  I feel like shit right now.  I am just exhausted, but cant sleep, and feel nauseous. 

What is wrong with me and why is feeling so mysteriously sick so isolating?

This Is My Life

It is almost two am.  I am horny, so I pull out my vibrator, only to realize part of the clit stimulator is missing because my dog got a hold of it a few days ago and decided she liked silicon embedded with astroglide.

Fine, it will most likely still work.  I would get Babe to come on over, but he is all stressed out at work, and getting him to have great sex is hard these days.  I am envisioning that when I do ovulate, I will have him jack off into my vagina as to avoid having sex altogether.  Because sex takes work and passion, and when all of your passion is put into working 80 hours a week, you have little energy left to place a penis into a vagina, to make babies. 

But anyway back to my vibrator mishap.  So the dog is sleeping in her bed and I decide not to kick her out while I get my O in 60 seconds flat.  But she gets all interested and jumps on the bed.  OK, whatever, I am almost there.  Then I look up and she is just staring at my crotch.  Not because she is traumatized that I have a sex drive, but rather because she is probably thinking that mommy stole her new chew toy and is hiding it in the place that makes her underwear taste so great.

I finally orgasm, wash my vibrator, make sure I close the drawer that holds it ALL THE WAY, you know so the dog doesn't find it and totally ruin it.  Vibrators are expensive and I have other things to frivolously spend my money on.

I get back to bed and the dog smells my face, you know just to make sure I didn't hide her chew toy in my eye sockets or something, then curls up on Babe's pillow, where she will sleep, and I will lie next to her until Babe comes to bed, say 4am or so.

I am never getting pregnant unless I am the most fertile woman on the planet.

Navaroo

Navaroo is the belief in Tamil Sri Lanka culture that if someone envy's you, they will cause bad things to happen to you , and because of that you should keep all your successes or happiness to yourself.

Babe is has denied Navaroo for a long time.  Then I got my Volvo.  He was happy when it got its first dent because then people who had been envying our car, would no longer do so, and nothing bad would happen with the car.

Then we were happy for a long time, Babe thought people envied our happiness.  We went through a period of not so much happiness.  Since people weren't envying how we weren't that happy, we got happy again, only to have the cycle repeat.

Everybody loves Boogie.  People ask if they can pay for pictures of her even.  Boogie had gastroenteritis. Babe blamed it on the envy.

I was six with some sort of viral illness for 6 weeks.  Babe things that the people at work envied my life too much and so I got sick.

Some people know just how much Babe brings down each year.  Now his business is suffering, it must be because people envied us.

I see it as life happening.  I don't think people envy me that much, and if they do, they shouldn't, my life is no more wonderful or special than anyone else's life.

But the more life goes on, the more he clings  to the navaroo idea.  I don't  know how to change that.