GreenSunflower

I'm Back

After a much needed break, and a few emails stating how much I was missed, I am back.

During my time away, I wasn't really depressed, just making changes in life.

I am transferring to the emergency department where I work, and am really excited for a new change.

I am 8 days post ovulation and our baby dancing timing looks good, so it is possible I could be pregnant this month.

Babe and I are going to Hawaii in a short 24 days.

I am sure there will be more to say, but I just wanted to say I am here again.

Dear Babe: re: 31 years old

Yesterday I wanted to write this blog post to you, but alas we were too busy having a great time as a family, so I thought I would put it off until today.  Now you lay sleeping off a day and night of fun, so I have time.

You know last night when we got home and you thanked me for being such a trooper to give you an awesome birthday.  That is exactly why I love you.

Other men may think it is only my duty as your wife to make your birthday fun, and there is no need to thank for something I am required to do.

That is not you.  You know I have limitations, and only on very special occasions do I push myself past them, and only for very special people.  You knew I woke up at 10, got out of the house by eleven, showed you an awesome day in the city, then took you to awesome food, before I crashed hard at about midnight.  You knew since I did this for you, that makes you an extremely special person.  Because really there is probably no other person on this earth I would be willing to do it for. 

I often tell people you are a saint. I also tell them how you tell me my mouth smells like a goat, always complain about my weight (no matter what I weigh), and how you think I am a horrible housekeeper.  These things are annoying, but so small in the grand scheme of things.  In the grand scheme of how wonderful you are to me.

We always talk about my depression when we talk about how wonderful you are.  You can kick depression's ass.  I fret that there will ever come a day you are here to kick the evil bugger's ass with me.  I know it will be a much tougher fight.

But then there is the way you make me feel like a queen on a throne.  I don't know many other women who are spoiled like me.  Whether it is nice dinners, three day weekends, outrageous holiday gifts, or just wonderful in between holiday gifts, you always make me feel like you think of me every second you are out.  I am reminded each time you buy me something as dorky as a CF card, how you think of me and my passions whenever you are anywhere.  Who does that?  A husband who loves his wife more than any other thing in the world. 

There are the times when you make me feel like we are a real family, you, me, and The Boogs.  We go places together, love each other, spoil each other, hug and cuddle each other, complain about each other, and huff and puff our way to familydom.  We fit together better than any three puzzle pieces I have ever met.  You are a big part of why that happens.  Why we all feel so close and loved.  You love both of us like tomorrow will never come each and every day.

I love you Babe. I know that 31 will be even kinder to you than 30.  I know because even though your hair has receded a little bit and is a little grayer, you are sexier than you have ever been.  Each day makes you wiser, more loving, and kinder than the day before.

I love you, I love us,

Booger

Um.... So

Right after I wrote that last post, Babe came downstairs to talk to me about how shitty I was feeling.  And in his true style he got me realizing that I had stopped taking one of my meds in order to have safer baby dancing/making.  I think my nausea and inability to function were due to anxiety and I hadn't had anxiety like that in so long, I forgot.

I took a big dose of At1van, went back on my Ge0don (which starts working quicker than an antidepressant) and while not perfect, I feel much better.  I slept for 12 hours last night and feel caught up on my sleep. 

As much as I am going to get judged, it looks like I will have to take the Ge0don while pregnant.  My doc has said that is OK, benefits much outweigh the risks, but it just kind of sucks.

As least I am feeling better.  Time to go sew.

Lonely

This will be a post that starts a fight between Babe and I should he read it.  Because anytime I post something about how our life is less than perfect, or he is a less than perfect husband, trouble starts.

I am sorry Babe , you are not perfect.  I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you making babies, taking trips, growing old, but right now the 80 hrs a week you are working is making me feel like  a single woman.

On Friday or Saturday i was bound to ovulate soon, so we "baby danced" since Sunday, I have felt incredibly ill.  I am nauseous, I have an unstoppable migraine, and am always on the verge of tears.  Every ounce of my nurse being knows there is no way in hell, I could be pregnant and feeling this shitty within days.  But if not the easy answer, then what gives?

Of course since I have been well a mere 4 weeks since my last love affair with my couch, Babe has little patience for how shitty I feel.  I don't even think he believes I am sick. Yesterday he talked me into going into work, even after I had called in sick, because obviously I was just faking it. 

Immediately upon arriving at work, everybody started to ask what was wrong with me, as I looked horrible.  I went home a short two hours later and slept and slept. I woke up and still felt like shit.  I feel like shit right now.  I am just exhausted, but cant sleep, and feel nauseous. 

What is wrong with me and why is feeling so mysteriously sick so isolating?

This Is My Life

It is almost two am.  I am horny, so I pull out my vibrator, only to realize part of the clit stimulator is missing because my dog got a hold of it a few days ago and decided she liked silicon embedded with astroglide.

Fine, it will most likely still work.  I would get Babe to come on over, but he is all stressed out at work, and getting him to have great sex is hard these days.  I am envisioning that when I do ovulate, I will have him jack off into my vagina as to avoid having sex altogether.  Because sex takes work and passion, and when all of your passion is put into working 80 hours a week, you have little energy left to place a penis into a vagina, to make babies. 

But anyway back to my vibrator mishap.  So the dog is sleeping in her bed and I decide not to kick her out while I get my O in 60 seconds flat.  But she gets all interested and jumps on the bed.  OK, whatever, I am almost there.  Then I look up and she is just staring at my crotch.  Not because she is traumatized that I have a sex drive, but rather because she is probably thinking that mommy stole her new chew toy and is hiding it in the place that makes her underwear taste so great.

I finally orgasm, wash my vibrator, make sure I close the drawer that holds it ALL THE WAY, you know so the dog doesn't find it and totally ruin it.  Vibrators are expensive and I have other things to frivolously spend my money on.

I get back to bed and the dog smells my face, you know just to make sure I didn't hide her chew toy in my eye sockets or something, then curls up on Babe's pillow, where she will sleep, and I will lie next to her until Babe comes to bed, say 4am or so.

I am never getting pregnant unless I am the most fertile woman on the planet.

Navaroo

Navaroo is the belief in Tamil Sri Lanka culture that if someone envy's you, they will cause bad things to happen to you , and because of that you should keep all your successes or happiness to yourself.

Babe is has denied Navaroo for a long time.  Then I got my Volvo.  He was happy when it got its first dent because then people who had been envying our car, would no longer do so, and nothing bad would happen with the car.

Then we were happy for a long time, Babe thought people envied our happiness.  We went through a period of not so much happiness.  Since people weren't envying how we weren't that happy, we got happy again, only to have the cycle repeat.

Everybody loves Boogie.  People ask if they can pay for pictures of her even.  Boogie had gastroenteritis. Babe blamed it on the envy.

I was six with some sort of viral illness for 6 weeks.  Babe things that the people at work envied my life too much and so I got sick.

Some people know just how much Babe brings down each year.  Now his business is suffering, it must be because people envied us.

I see it as life happening.  I don't think people envy me that much, and if they do, they shouldn't, my life is no more wonderful or special than anyone else's life.

But the more life goes on, the more he clings  to the navaroo idea.  I don't  know how to change that.

Feeling Well- Why Blog? Being Green, Baby Diapers, and More

People who read this blog must think I am always suicidal and always depressed.  Hardly the case.  But I tend to blog when depressed, just to dump it out into the cyber world.

Things are going fairly well, except for the horrible hormonal nature of an unmodified reproductive cycle. 

Babe and I have a commitment to being as green as possible, without taking shorter showers:)  The thought of having a baby and using disposable diapers sickens me.  At work, the number of diapers I throw away and disposable stuff in general, makes me fee badly.  The only way I can justify it, is we throw things away to save people's lives.  Reusing many of the things we throw away, would put patients at serious risk.  So I can deal with that.

But at home with a baby, or just me and Babe?  We recycle everything.  He works from home and put 834 miles on his car last year.  My car if fairly fuel efficient and my next car is going to be a hybrid.  Babe probably wont be buying a new car, as he uses his so infrequently.  I try to use as little disposable stuff as possible, and when I do use it, I use items made from recycled items.   I try to buy unbleached products whenever possible.   

So then the idea of diapers comes into play.  About this time last year, I was baby crazy.  I bought a whole bunch of fuzzi bunz cloth diapers.  I only bought medium and large, with a big emphasis on medium.  That leaves newborn and small sized diapers.  I found the website VeryBaby, by reading its owner, Jessica's Blog.
They even have a forum to post your questions and comments.

I also bought a pattern to make my own sanitary napkins.  I cannot tell you how grossed out Babe is by this.  I bought a stainless steal mini garbage can to keep them in, which has a removable plastic container.  They wont be for heavy flow days, but rather on light flow days, when I tend to use pantyliners, which bother me when they go into a landfill.  I will still use my OB tampons (no applicator) on heavier flow days, because sitting in a pile of endometrial goo, well that still grosses me out a bit.

I got my PUL, birdseye cotton, diaper gauze, microfleece, and pattern in the mail today.  Tomorrow my serger comes.  Then I am golden to start sewing more stuff!!!!

I will post pics of my sewing as it comes along.

Update

Where do I start?

Looks like baby crazy may be back in action, this time Babe's idea, and we are both on the same page.  For Babe's superstition, I cannot say more

Boogie is cute as ever.  I totally want another dog. Babe says we need a bigger house, and if we need another dog, maybe it is time to go baby crazy.

I am back at work and I love it.  I forgot why I love it until my first day back.  The kids, the parents, my coworkers, the action, the thinking, the skills... and on and on.

I think the weight gain may have been halted by the thyroid meds.  Yippee!

Depression is at bay.  I have been feeling pretty good, haven't cried in probably a week or so. 

Mystery illness:  This is a whole subject all together.  I still have lots of pain, but it is better controlled with NSAID's.  I have much more energy since taking the thyroid med. I just don't feel right. 

I already sent in my absentee ballot and I voted for Hillary, because well, she is a woman, and any Clinton cant be bad.

Till next time...

Dear Babe

Six years ago today, you were 20 minutes late to the Chevy's in Union City, because you took the wrong exit, and  proceeded to hate Mexican food.  You had big poofy hair, a big smile, and pronounced all the Hispanic names around her in an English phonetic style.

I was there in Chevy's with my favorite DKNY sweater, the one I would proceed to talk about the entire dinner.  I was sick, and hurting badly because my heart had just been broken.

Today, you don't live life on Sri Lanka time anymore, you help other immigrants pronounce all the Spanish influence that is California, you have short sporty hair and you love Mexican food.  I would venture to say that Mexican is your favorite food.  You still have a big smile and you still get lost, mostly because I always drive and you are too busy enjoying that, to pay attention to where the hell we are. 

I would no longer fit into that sweater and still like labels, even though I would never admit it.  I am sick in a different way, but we have pretty much conquered depression.  We can handle that evil black cloud like no other with our team effort.  We kick depression's ass, only to have each other at the end to hug and kiss, and laugh, and play, and just plain enjoy life.  And my heart?  It is healed.  You got that bad boy bad together and we have been beating along to our love drum ever since.

I love you Babe.  I love us.  I love being together.  I love who we are to each other.  I love that we have each other. Most importantly I love you.  You are my rock, my shelter, and my warmth. Without you the world would be a cold cruel place.

Happy Anniversary!!!

More Reaons To Love Babe

He keeps baby wipes by the bed, and wipes Boogie's bootie before she gets on the bed.