GreenSunflower

I Haven't Brushed My Teeth Today

Today has been a fairly good day and I don't want to wreck it by brushing my teeth and making myself puke. 

Down 8.5 Lbs

I started out this pregnancy at a generous 228lbs.  So when I found out at my last appointment that I had lost 8.5lbs in 2 weeks, I kind of smiled to myself because at least I haven't gained like 25lbs already, which is so something I would be capable of.  I didn't think it a problem, as it cant all be fluid, as I don't have that much fluid in my vascular and interstitial systems, and some it must be fat.  After all, that is what is supposed to happen right? The baby takes my fat, vitamins, minerals, and nutrients and makes itself grow.

Well I guess losing weight is a problem. Pregnant women are not supposed to lose weight.  I know I am a nurse, I am supposed to know these things right?  I am not a midwife.  I figure since I have so much reserve it doesn't matter.  Well apparently it does.  So much so that my doctor is worried I am in a state of ketosis, which I am sure is dangerous, I just don't know how. 

So now we are trying AGAIN, to get the home health nurse out here to dip my urine, give me fluids, and a continuous subcutaneous Zofran pump, in the hopes that I will eat more food.

I should have known that someone as high maintenance as myself, couldn't do pregnancy simply.

Lemonade

It is a really cruel world, where you crave lemonade, but the aftertaste makes you feel like you have just vomited.

Wherein This Becomes A Mommy Blog

I am 10weeks 1 day pregnant today.  It has been a harrowing journey, thus far. I have suffered with hyperemesisgravidarumand been told I was going to miscarry.  The hyperemesis is getting better, and I never miscarried, it was totally misdiagnosed.  But damned if it doesn't make a pregnant woman nuts to go through all of this.  The last 6 weeks have been quite a journey. 

While all of this is happening, Babe's business has been taking off.  He is heading toward venture capitalism, vs just running his own company.  This means many business meetings talking with people about the kind of stuff they are trying to get off the ground, in order to figure out what to invest in, and also it means he still has to run his growing company.  This means he spends a lot of time away from home. 

That is where we run into problems.  I sit at home all day sick, some days unable to sit upright for any period of time, and I look forward to Babe coming home, but will get a text message that he met someone and it is going to take longer than he thought.

This is the sacrifice for our lifestyle.  On the one hand if I want a Bugaboo, then it isn't a big deal to obtain, but on the other hand, instead of getting a lot of help from my husband with the baby, he plans on hiring a night nanny at first, then getting me a nanny for 20hours a week, even while I am a stay at home mom, just so I will have enough down time and don't get too overwhelmed. 

He will of course be part of our lives, but he wont have time for the nitty gritty details.  I have known this since the first years his business became successful and he started working the extreme hours he now always works. 

But being a hormonal pregnant woman, when I am home alone, whether or not I agreed to make this sacrifice, I get upset.  So upset in fact, the other day, I sent back a text message stating that I was going to abort this unwanted pregnancy and leave him, because OBVIOUSLY he didn't want to be with his family.

When in fact he is doing it all for his family.  He works hard to make us successful.  I don't worry about money or working because he works so hard. I am just hormonal and nuts. 

Babe likes to remind me of how hormonal I am too.  I try to tell him, that while yes my feelings are not the most rational things in the world, I still FEEL them, and to me they are real. 

I'm Back

After a much needed break, and a few emails stating how much I was missed, I am back.

During my time away, I wasn't really depressed, just making changes in life.

I am transferring to the emergency department where I work, and am really excited for a new change.

I am 8 days post ovulation and our baby dancing timing looks good, so it is possible I could be pregnant this month.

Babe and I are going to Hawaii in a short 24 days.

I am sure there will be more to say, but I just wanted to say I am here again.

Why, Oh Why

Why must managers take things so personally and retaliate? 

Why must I be so sensitive to feedback from someone with whom I have little invested?

Why must I cry when people think I do something, I did not?

Why must I want to be a nurse?

Why must I feel so overwhelmed by inappropriate criticism?

PSA For Morons Like Me

If you take 200mg of Prov1g1l, do not forget you took it and then have a triple latte, and some green tea. But if you do, pray you have At1van too, because you will need it.

Broken Dreams and Crushed Spirits

If you have been reading my blog for a while, you know that in nursing school, two things happened.  I was in love with nursing, I could see nothing more wonderful than being a nurse, and I was at the head of my class.

I still love the idea of nursing and actually giving patient care.  I love my babies, toddlers, kiddos, and teenagers.  I love their families.  I love that everyday I get to do something to save a life.

But nursing in reality, is something very different than the fluffy clouds they show you in books and nursing school.  In reality you are working with people. People who have a sometimes painful job, people who are insecure (as many people are), people who need to fit in, basically humans.

Once you add that negative human element, not just the caretaking role, you get something different than expected.

These people get jaded after a fairly short time, and before long they are playing favorites, speaking badly of people, and excluding whoever it makes them feel better to exclude.

Then a little bright eyed bushy tailed nurse, who was at the head of her class and shows promise shows up. She might be a little dark, but on the whole she loves nursing.  She has a nice husband, a sweet dog, she is smart, OK looking, and has her shit together.

From that point the profession as an individual and a whole decides to bring you to your knees and tear your bleeding tender heart out of your body, such that you are ready to  leave the profession and never look back.  A profession you desired more than life itself the entire time you were in nursing school.

It will make you feel like you are ready to be a cooking, cleaning, dilettante housewife.  It will make you ready to abandon your dreams and never dream again.

That is where I am.  Ready to quit.  Ready to involute and never make myself so vulnerable as to dream again.

The Month's Over As Far As Baby Making Is Concerned

So after three jaunts in the bedroom right around my fertile time, I have successfully ovulated and now we can stop having sex until my next fertile period.  If that comes.  And I have to say thank god.  My lower back is hurts, and Babe's shoulders are sore.  We are too decrepit to be having this much sex.

Insecurity

I am at the point with work, where I don't know if I am just insecure and miserable because of how sensitive it makes me, or if work really is that bad. 

Tuesday night was kind of a last straw for me.  My immediate supervisor called me into her office.  I knew it wasn't going to be positive because she never sees the need to tell someone they did something positive, only when they have done something negative and though, most negative things that happen in the unit are the result of a cumulative and multidisciplinary process, they need to blame someone, this time it was me.

A month and a half ago, I had a patient for an hour in my care.  He was stable while I had him, but busy.  I didn't chart very much because I had him for a very short period of time.  I was never trained that I had to do some specific type of charting so I didn't do that.  Well I gave a scattered report to the oncoming nurse because I had gotten little report on the patient myself and only had him an hour.  The patient happened to crump but not expire that night.

My supervisor brought all of this attention. As if my lack of charting was the reason a critically ill child had a rough night.  She made it very clear that she was looking to blame me.  I could identify many places where a lot of people could have maybe made a bad mistake or a judgment that in retrospect wasn't the best.  She told me she had not gotten back to me until a month and a half later because she had to investigate the situation so she could present it to me.

Why wasn't I part of the investigation if it is really done with the purpose of us all improving our care?  It wasn't, it was figuring out how to solidly blame me, without asking me any questions during a time when I would be able to remember enough to defend myself.

I came home ready to quit.  Ready to quit because my management doesn't support new nurses constructively and because I must be a horrible nurse because I took care of my patient instead of charting.

Then insecurity hits.  And I hate that my job makes me feel insecure rather than confident, because it seeps into other parts of my life.  It makes me feel like a failure, and when you think like a failure, you will fail and I hate that too, because if you do fail, you really do feel like a failure and it cascades from there.

The good news is I am fertile right now, and Babe and I have been having well timed sex. 

I have an appointment with a counselor to talk about the drama at work.